I was sitting there drinking a mixed drink with about 3 shots of tequila. And I suddenly got the urge to listen to some worship music. Strange combination no doubt and I understand that you don’t relate to it. I packed it in on my homework, a project worth 10% of my grade. Flushed it and decided to get drunk. Drinking on a Wednesday night? I never do that but this night I just didn’t feel well; mentally and emotionally. I just felt sad. Sad for myself. But the urge to listen to some worship music came over me.
I started listening to a song called “You Deserve the Glory”. It’s one of my favorite worship songs of all time. I could just get completely lost in it thinking about the awesomeness of God. As I was listening to it I asked myself this simple question “Where do I belong?” I am not happy with anything that I do. I got a college degree and yet I’m not happy with school. I own race horses yet I don’t find satisfaction with them. I do all kinds of things that bring satisfaction from time to time. I have a family that I love and would die for and yet I find myself in a hole with a feeling of heaviness; a deep heavy gray fog keeping me from feeling anything but depressed. But something inside me said to listen to this song.
Where do I belong? As I watched the video of people worshiping God I recalled the time that I went with a group to the Toronto Airport church for a big conference. I experienced some very powerful things and I wondered for a time whether or not it was all in my own head that I was experiencing these things because I saw a lot of stuff that I just didn’t feel like it was God. There were a lot of things going on that felt like people were putting on a Holy Ghost magic show and we complied just so we didn’t look like the odd man out. But, after a lot of thought I believe that it’s only partially true. I believe that it was in my head, but isn’t that where you experience God is in your head? Yeah sure, he might do things in the world around us but we meet God in our minds. We meet God in the deep recesses of our being which we call our heart. So I still believe that those feelings of being glued to the carpet weeping like a force was holding me to the earth were the Holy Spirit.
So upset with myself. I think I drink because I miss feeling the overwhelming experience of God’s presence. There’s some candidness for you. I think that the reason why I go out on the weekends and get trashed is because I have tried to cope with having stepped out of the place that God made for me. It’s beyond disturbing to me. It has driven me to the point of getting ripped apart drunk to try to feel something more. How much do I miss being in God’s presence? Enough to experience the awfulness the next day of barely being able to walk, and vomiting and headaches that are the aftermath of the weekend. It doesn’t stop me. Because wanting to feel something more than this life of highs and lows that keep you searching for little moments of happiness and validation like a rat getting little pieces of cheese in a huge maze means that much to me. The rat gets just enough to keep him going. That’s what I’ve done to myself. All of these little goals and hobbies give me just enough satisfaction to keep hunting down the next euphoric highs of adoration of people.
It’s amazing to me that I feel like God has never abandoned me. I am not a man who’s mind has been seared with an iron. Some people go into a world of denial and try to make excuses for their debauchery and lechery. I don’t make up excuses I just wish things were different. I know that it’s as easy as deciding to be different but I have always struggled with the strength to overcome my weaknesses. I operate differently than most people, which is what causes me so much harm I think. What I mean is that I don’t like people encouraging me. When people encourage me it makes me want to quit. I’m not saying that I respond positively to criticism either. I don’t like being pushed whether it is positively or negatively. I motivate myself better than anyone else can motivate me. That’s a lonely place though. Because if I don’t figure this stuff out or somehow magically get the strength to overcome then I am in serious trouble. I have prayed so many times for strength and I have failed over and over again. I believe Jesus, I just don’t understand some things.
One time at church I was walking through a hallway and I heard someone in a room in the hallway say my name. I stood outside the door where they were standing and I heard them talking to one or two other people and they said “God has great things planned for Matt Sams”. It tears me up to think of those words now. Because I look at myself as an incredible failure. A man with immense talent to be anything he wanted to be and he didn’t have the discipline to even sniff success. I won’t say who the person was in my blog but if you ever ask me privately I’ll tell you who it was because I’m sure it’s not a big deal to them if people knew that they were saying good things about me. I just don’t want to embarrass them by showing people how wrong they were.
Now I know that the game isn’t over and i wouldn’t be writing this if I wasn’t trying to sort it out in my mind. If I wasn’t very dissatisfied with my life as it is I wouldn’t be having these thoughts and feelings. As I watched the worship clip that I posted above I kept thinking about how much I just wanted to be back in the flow of being around people that worshiped God. People who weren’t control mongers. So many good, God thirsting people have been ruined by control mongers in the church. Not that I was one of those people, this was just a little side note. I got bored at church. I got bored with teaching. I got bored with routines. I need things to be different. But the way I handled it has put me in a position that I don’t like. A guy getting drunk on a Wednesday night.
Here’s another song in my head.