Tag Archives: relationships

What Are You Worth?

I have said for a while that I believe that being an artist (whether it is an actor, singer, painter, etc.) is an incredibly dangerous profession because so much of your success is determined by whether or not people want you.  This isn’t like an inanimate object that you are producing on an assembly line.  You are the product.  The more successful you are the greater the risk of being greatly injured when the crowds of fans aren’t there anymore.  I believe that’s part of the reason why we see so much dysfunction in Hollywood.

But recently I started to re-frame my perspective on this idea.  Because I think that it exists in more basic ways and its implications are far-reaching.  What I mean is the idea that you have value based on what people can get from you.  There are so many people out there in the world that think that if they can please someone, they will feel better about themselves.  I know that in my own life I have had this notion in the back of my head at times.  But as I’ve gotten older I have tried to divorce myself of it, which has at times, caused me to drive into the ditch on the other side of the road which is denying people what they want because I simply do not want to give them that power.  Sounds a little twisted but I recently stumbled across a name that defines it.  It’s called “Cerebral Narcissism.”  I’m not exactly a narcissist, but I won’t get into that.  You can research it yourself.

But there is this idea that if I can just emotionally gratify someone, or if I can sexually gratify them then I will get the affirmation that I desire so much.  So what do we do?  We bend over backward.  We say yes when we know that we’re compromising ourselves and we should be saying no.  We think that if we can just get people to love me for whatever I am that I can put out this fire and finally have some contentment.  But unfortunately it doesn’t work.  Because it is the nature of desire to never be satisfied.

But we’re blind to it.  We don’t see it and so we get into relationships and associations with goals of being pleasing to someone else.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying we shouldn’t please people, it’s just not good to want to please people because our self-worth depends on it.  But even if we don’t acknowledge this principle in our heads we act upon it like it was pre-programmed in our very DNA.  We take it into our social settings and make judgments about people based on it.  Who do we want to be like?  We are envious and covetous of the lives of others.

Now I’m not saying that everyone is like that.  But I know many people who are.  I think this is why we as a society put so much stock into the things that celebrities say and do.  Think about it for a second.  Our favorite actor becomes an activist of some kind and we become micro-activists for the same cause.  Part of the reason why we listen to people about a variety of social issues is simply because of their celebrity status.  These people aren’t Plato’s Philosopher Kings.  They aren’t these mythical godlike creatures that possess all of this wisdom and hidden information.  They are mimes.  They are parakeets.  Yet we are so swayed by say.

I think the reason for this is because there is an algorithm or what have you, in our mind filter that sees their fame and their ability to please others and something just clicks inside of us that makes us want to believe them.  It makes us want to obey them because they are loved and if we can be like them then we’ll be loved and we’ll have value too.

But let me just say this.  Your value goes far beyond what you can do for others.  Your value comes from a God that created the entire universe and loves you more than you can ever know.  This is just my opinion but I think that if we could understand how much God loves us it would kill our earthly body.  I don’t think our poor old tickers could handle it.  But God loves you and you have value simply because He says you have value.  Because that part of your mind that is distinctly separate from your physical body comes directly from Him.  It’s a part of Him.  Don’t be a people pleaser anymore.  Love God with all of your heart.

Advertisements

Good Relationship Wisdom

I had this little quote today as I was driving down the road and it was so good that I thought I would put it on my blog.

“It’s a man’s duty to preserve the dignity of his woman.  It is the duty of a woman to honor her man.  When a man and a woman get together and the woman doesn’t respect or honor her man the relationship becomes toxic.  When the man doesn’t preserve the dignity of his woman it often ends in abuse and neglect.  When a woman gets with a man who has no regard for preserving his own honor and when a man starts dating a woman that isn’t interested in preserving her own dignity the relationship is doomed before it starts.”  – Matt Sams 2015

If you think that it is a good piece of wisdom please feel free to share it, re-blog it, like or comment.

Thanks!!!!!!

xoxo

“The One”

I have tried to write this blog several times already over the past month or so and any time I try to write it another idea will pop into my head and I feel it’s more timely to write about other things.  But now it is time to dice up and cook up one of the ideas that has annoyed me over the years.  This is the idea of “the one”.

The idea that I’m talking about is the idea that there is one person out there in the world that is the perfect romantic partner for you.  It is the person that God has specially set aside for you.  It is the commonly held idea of the person that is just perfect for you.  And Ol’ uncle Matt has come to tell you wonderful people today that it is one of the stupidest ideas of all time.  I don’t mean to offend you if you believe this because I know that it is a sincerely held belief by people who mean no harm.  It is a deeply held belief by people who have been hurt or are eager to have a spouse, etc. etc.

First I would just like to say for the record that if you’re waiting for the perfect guy or girl you will be waiting quite a long time.  Why?  Because in all of my 32 years I have never met a perfect person.  The perfect person just doesn’t exist.  It’s like trying to find a unicorn, or the hunt for Red October…..Okay or maybe just like finding a unicorn.  I’m pretty sure they found the Red October but it took a communist defection for that to happen.  But other than hoping that your future spouse comes from like North Korea or whatever, maybe you should give up the idea.

I think the main thing that bothers me about the idea of “the one” is that I have always felt that it means that one person is better than another.  And perhaps one person might be better for you than another, but that’s not the way it ever comes off in conversation.  What I mean is that when I read or hear about people who are waiting for “the one” it is almost always coming from a place of bitterness.  Even if the person saying or writing these things doesn’t realize it.  I’ll give you an example:  When a person is talking about how high their standards are and how many times it never worked out.  Now they are just waiting on “the one” that God has for them.  This to me is a slight against everyone else.  Because when I hear this, what I’m hearing is “You’re not good enough.  They’re worth more than you”.  Now I know that might be coming from my own issues, but you have to admit that this is something that can be insinuated when a person says that God made one person for them.  But that’s not the only reason I dislike hearing people say it.

First off you are sinning by objectifying people like they will belong to you when in all reality they will never belong to you.  In your association with them there is exclusivity, but don’t mistake exclusivity for ownership.  I think that’s a mistake that a lot of people make.  You don’t own the person.  You might want to own them or have “mutual ownership” (which makes no sense to me because nothing in life is static so there will always be someone that has more or less love and more or less control).  You don’t own the mental and emotional part of them that makes them unique.  How do I know that?  Because when you die they aren’t obligated to be with you, more over I don’t think that they are able to be bound to you in the afterlife.  Like Jesus said, “None will marry, and none will be given to marriage.  They will be like the angels in Heaven.”  This tells me that the most important part of a person doesn’t belong to people, it belongs to God.  That emotional, mental and spiritual aspect of a person that makes you love them isn’t for you to have.  I know that sounds a little harsh so let me offset it by telling you some more things you don’t want to hear.

If you aren’t the type of person that has bitterness and using pride and arrogance to fuel you idea of “the one” then it’s most likely because you have been hurt.  The idea of the one is a coping mechanism for you.  You do it to give you hope.  And I need you to hear my heart right now because you’re probably making up a lot of excuses in your head as you read this so that you can try to discredit it in your own mind.  But the truth of the matter is that the reason why you have this ideal about the one is because you’re not close enough to God.  I’m not judging you because I know that I have my own issues that distance me from God.  But you need to understand that this idea is not a result of wanting a husband or wife.  This idea about the one is an idol.  It’s idolatry.  Please don’t conflate two issues.  Marriage is good, but this idea of the one is the elevation of man (or woman for that matter) into places they aren’t supposed to be elevated to.  Anyway, I need to go before another good idea pops into my head.

50 Shades of Putting a Noose Around My Neck

Caution:  If you are easily offended you might want to go read something else.

You know…..One time I tried to watch some of the Twilight series.  I heard from so many people that it was so great and that if I watched it I would be hooked, etc.  So I figure “Hey, why not?  I’m always looking for something to be addicted to.”  So I popped the tape in my vcr……hahaha kidding.  I started watching the movie and about 20 or 30 minutes into it I shut it off and swore that I would never, ever, ever watch that heap of garbage again.

They tried to suck me in with vampires.  They tried to suck me in with werewolves.  But they couldn’t overcome one simple problem.  I can only handle so many seconds of locking eyes.  There was so much eye locking and staring in that movie.  Do people really do that?  I mean would anyone really just want to spend that much time staring into someone’s eyes.  I don’t think so.  And I had a little theory about why this bugged me so much.

You see (to me) the gazes locking thing is good sometimes.  It’s a very romantic and passionate thing.  It’s a lot like icing on a cake.  I don’t really want to eat a cake without icing.  I mean, cake without icing would be alright if I was slamming it with a cold glass of milk but that sweet addition can make cake addictive.  Everyone I know likes their cake with icing.  Here’s the problem though.  I don’t know very many people that sit down with a can of icing and eat it with a spoon until it’s gone.  And why stop at one can?  Let’s just have a whole dinner dedicated, mostly, to icing.  It’s disgusting and frankly if you’re eating cans of icing at a time you have a problem so don’t get salty and indignant.  You gots da issues.

There are a group of people that will eat icing straight from the can like it was going out of style.  That group of people are known as “children”.  I remember as a kid I would love to pop open some icing and eat it with a spoon until I was ready to puke.  Maybe I just wasn’t mature to know any better, but I just knew that icing tasted the best.  Children have a much higher point of diminishing marginal utility than adults seem to.  If a child likes something or is interested in something they can do that activity over and over again until you’re ready to pull your hair out.  How many times did I have frozen playing in my house after that thing came out on DVD?  It was a lot.  I felt like I was sitting in an appliance store watching the same movie play over and over again.  The point is that I believe that Uber-Passion and it’s consumption is a sign of some things.

First, just so that I complete an earlier point, the reason why I started talking about Twilight when the title of this article is about 50 Shades of Grey is because 50 Shades is actually inspired directly by Twilight.  It was fan fiction dedicated to the relationship between the two main characters of the Twilight series.  The 50 Shades movie is an extension of the passion laden Twilight series and it has been very successful among one certain demographic, women.  Why is it that women tend to love this movie.  Not all women love it, but a lot of women just go crazy for this stuff.

Like I was saying about the consumption of “Uber-Passion”, why is it that women go crazy for this stuff?  I read an article on Yahoo! yesterday that said that this movie was breaking some records and the overwhelming majority of moviegoers were women.  I mean, they didn’t give a percentage, but the article said that it wasn’t even close.  Women attended far more than men.  What’s the old quote about once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence and three times is a trend?  I mean that to say that when you have a several movies (such as the twilight movies and the 50 Shades movie) that are massively successful and you have one demographic over populating the theaters that is the making of a trend my friend.

I believe that the kind of people that throw themselves into the movie are people that have a deficit of sorts.  You can be in denial about it and that’s fine.  But to me when you have a high tolerance, or a high amount of diminishing marginal utility for the consumption of something, no matter what it is, it can be attributed to a deficit in that thing or one of its components.  Now I’m not saying that the 50 Shades movie or Twilight is all passion.  I know from studying a little bit about screen writing that you can’t have a movie or a book without conflict and resolution, but I think in these cases there is a disproportionate amount of passion to the conflict and resolution.  It’s a little cake with a lot of icing.  It just seems to me that a lot of women who immerse themselves in this book might be lacking in the passion department.

It’s not a bad thing to want romance and passion.  But I think the reason why women love this movie is because women operate in the world of emotion more than men do.  A man, at his core, wants honor, power, victory, combat, etc.  Most women aren’t really wired to prioritize these things very highly.  It’s the same thing for women.  Most women want passion, emotional intimacy, to connect on a deeper level, security, etc.  Now I’m not saying that men won’t want what women want and women won’t want what men want.  But to a large degree we just prioritize these things differently and it affects the way we look at things.  Women want or need things from men that men are not naturally good at producing.  I think that another reason why these movies and books have been successful is because they are written by women, which in its own way is kind of creepy.  What I mean is that women are essentially getting what they need from another woman.  It’s like some kind of 3rd party homosexual relationship that you aren’t even aware that you’re having.  Take that with a grain of salt please, because i’m sort of joking.

Another thing that bugs me about it is that I believe that sex is highly personal.  I don’t take it lightly.  Even before I was married I wasn’t the kind of person that slept around.  I mean I wasn’t an angel but I didn’t like the idea of sleeping around.  It made me feel kind of dirty and I felt bad about myself.  So it kind of makes me feel weird to think that I would be in a room full of a hundred people or more watching people have sex on a screen.  It makes me feel weird if I am at my own home watching a movie with friends and an adult scene comes on.  I feel like jumping up and grabbing the remote to fast forward because it makes me feel uncomfortable when people are included in the reality of sex.  I have made jokes before about it, but the reality of sex is that deep down at my core it is personal to me.  It’s a spiritual thing.

I think this is a good lesson for men too.  Whether you’re a father, husband or boyfriend;  If you give them love, passion and emotional intimacy more often then they won’t feel the need to get it from somewhere else.  You don’t want them to be so desperate for these things that they will immerse themselves in a movie that exalts sexual violence just so they can experience the passion that they need.

Please feel free to share, like or follow!  Thanks for reading!!!!!!!!!!

Ultimate Desire

I am a cry baby.  I just am.  Anytime something sad comes on television or in a movie I get tear eyed.  It’s no surprise to me that when I feel the Holy Spirit I almost always weep like a baby.  It’s just the way that I am wired.  It is actually very refreshing to have these moments where I come unglued.  It is a spiritual thing that words can’t exactly express what is happening.  It is communion with the Holy Spirit, God Himself.

Tonight I was listening to an old song from the Righteous Brothers, ” Unchained Melody”.  Most people know the song from the movie “Ghost” with Demi Moore and Patrick Swazey.  I was listening to various recommended songs on Youtube when I innocently enough stumbled onto this song.  The first lines of the song hit me right in the spirit.  “Whoa my love, my darling.  I’ve hungered for your touch alone, lonely time.  And time goes by so slowly and time can do so much.  Are you still mine?  I need your love.  I need your love.  God speed your love to me.”  As I was singing along with the lyrics I realized that I was singing this song to God and that’s when I turned into a tear factory.  

I think that this type of intimacy is what God really desires with us.  I posted to my Facebook timeline a video of Ravi Zacharias delivering a sermon about Hosea.  We were given a glimpse in this story of Hosea about how God feels about us.  God wants us to be the apple of his eye.  In that culture being the apple of someone’s eye meant that you stand so close to them that you can see the small reflection of yourself in their gaze.  This demonstrates that we are the total and complete object of God’s desire.  He desires to not just love us but to receive close and intimate feelings with us.

Often times we treat intimacy with God in the same way we would share intimacy with our spouse over the phone or through a text message.  It’s easy to tell someone we love them over the phone or through a text message.  We might genuinely mean it and it’s nice to say we love our spouse or significant other in that way but it is nothing like sharing a moment alone face to face in a moment where you are both completely vulnerable but the restraints of fear and all of the other negative emotions are thrown out the door.  This is God’s desire.

In the new testament, so far as I am aware, God the father speaks only twice.  He might speak elsewhere but I can’t remember.  The point is that he didn’t do it much in the New Testament and when he speaks that little it’s important to listen that much closer.  The first time that God spoke in the new testament was the affirmation of Jesus at his baptism.  The second time was to affirm his children in the 21st chapter of the book of Revelation.  I normally like to talk about the affirmation of God’s children when i talk about this chapter, but it is here in this chapter that I feel like my feelings about emotional intimacy with God are affirmed.  Just check out these verses.

“And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

God’s desire is to be close enough to literally wipe the tears from your eyes.  His desire is to be so close that there is no more vulnerability.  All of the negative things are done away with.  In emotional intimacy with God the bonds and the shackles of insecurity and shame are broken and thrown off life a dirty garment.

To end this little spiel I would like to quote the Song of Solomon about the love of God.  “His left hand is under my head, And his right hand embraces me. I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases.”